Another Sem

My fifth semester has just come to an end. With it comes the realisation that I have learnt a lot, but there is so much more that I need to learn, so much more than I already know. A feeling of foreboding sets in, a feeling that I might not be able to reach the end of the rainbow and might never find the pot of gold. Yet, I want to chase it. It makes me wonder if I am foolish, plain stubborn or just determined. What I choose to name it doesn't matter but it is there. When I finally manage to earn my PhD I hope I shall be able to get rid of that knot in my stomach. Like somebody told me eventually this effort will be intellectually worth the time I spent.

Earth, Wind and Rain and Fire

Wealth, Power, Blood, Desire

One Goal to Live for Before we Die

One taste of Glory

One Mouthful of Sky !

Lines from an old Indian soap but it conveys my feeling aptly at this point.

Gift

Sometimes somebody who you barely know and someone who barely knows you tells you something which makes so much sense and sticks with you for a long long time. Today I got such an advice. I only hope it does not fade out of my memory anytime soon.

Rip Van Winkle .. Me ???

On a cold winter morning, I woke up and looked around for the warmth and comfort of my home. But where was I? This place was not familiar, I had never seen this room. My body felt sore and my head was throbbing. I slowly dragged myself out of bed, gripped by panic at being in this unknown place. Was I kidnapped, how long was I here, why did I feel so weak, was I drugged, a thousand questions flashed through my mind in a matter of seconds.

As I slowly made my way to the nearest door I caught a quick glimpse of my face in the window. It was me, but something was different. The light was in the wrong direction, I couldn't see very clearly and I ran towards the door hoping to find a washroom. It was a restroom indeed, a small dingy room with a tiny mirror perched on the wall with a small bath and toilet. As I looked at myself in the mirror I realized I was different, I was older, my hair was gray, I had wrinkles on my face the life had been pulled out of my face. I looked fifty years old, how was that possible ? Didn't I just have the beautiful life with a whole bunch of friends and family, people who loved me and people who cared for me. Where did I lose that life ? How could this have happened to me ? Where did those years from my life vanish ? Why could I remember nothing?

Slowly I walked out of the restroom and dragged myself back to bed. I needed time to come to terms with the facts around me, come to terms with the fact that I had no memories of the last twenty five years of my life. As I laid my head on the pillow I felt my head touch something hard, it was a diary. A diary so thick it held everything I needed to know about my past which I couldn't remember. As I began to read it I realized how I had never appreciated the wonderful life I had, always wanting to be younger, smarter, happier and richer. Good was never good enough for me, I needed better. Slowly things started to make some sense. I was awake from a sleep which finally made me realize how wrong I had been. It was probably too late to make a new start or was it? Could I start again ? I wish I had woken earlier and seen the truth. I don't understand why and how I wasted so many years of my life.

I slowly closed the diary swearing never to open it again. I couldn't undo the past, it was beyond me, the only thing I had left in me was my strength and my determination never to give up. I lied down hoping to make a new start now, without ever looking back at what I did and didn't do. However the nagging feeling remained..... what if I had woken up earlier?

My Mirror Image

I see myself in you. You are who I would have become if I hadn't changed my life when I got the opportunity. You represent everything that I could have been. My whims my flaws, my likes my dislikes and my eccentricities are all part of your character. The only thing which is missing is my dream and my passion. And the only thing I am missing is your luck. You dreamed of a a good life and got it served on a golden platter. I dreamed of a good life and have been fighting odds for years to get even close to it.

Every time I see you for a fleeting moment I wish I hadn't taken the more difficult road. If only I had stuck to the beaten track I might have led the good life that you are leading today. I like you and hate you at the very same instance. You bring out the worst in me yet I like your company. You make me feel like a failure but I still hope we keep running into each other. You bring me in touch with my baser instincts and I hate you for it but I can be myself with you without a thought and I like you for that.

But I need to take stock of the situation now and move on. Being me is not easy. I can deal with only one me at any point of time and I will have to let go off you now.

An Equal Music - A Review

During my visit to Boston I decided to go to the Harvard bookstore. I wasn't looking for any book in particularly when I went there, just an opportunity to see a famous landmark store. So while in the store I just happened to pick up Vikram Seth's "An Equal Music". On a whim I bought it. I had never read any of his books, though I did get my hands on "A Suitable Boy" once but never got the chance to read it. So without much expectation I started reading it and couldn't stop till I actually finished it.

"An Equal Music" is the story of Michael a violinist and Julia a pianist who run into each other after 10 years of parting ways. The story progresses with a whirlwind romance between the two even though Julia is married and explores their deep love for music and for each other which nothing can change. Though essentially a love story it explores more than love between two human beings, it touches on their love for music, the music which brought them together and their undying commitment to live for music.

What I found remarkable about the book was the narration and the portrayal of the characters, the emotions and the turmoil they go through. The characters are depicted extremely well and almost felt real. Their thoughts, feelings confusions and every emotion was so real. Even London felt so real. I could almost imagine myself walking the streets of London and riding the buses there. After a long time I read a book which was not completely dark and which I could relate to and yes fall in love with. At certain points the book did remind me of "Of Human Bondage" another one of my all time favorite books. Ofcourse there was nothing similar about the two books except that they evoked the same reaction in me.

My trip to Boston wasn't a great trip with all the rain and wind in Boston and the crazy feeling of being intimidated by scholars which I felt constantly but I guess I can finally say it was worth it. I have the book proudly sitting on my book shelf and I am glad I bought it after all.

Trapped in My Mind

A thousand thoughts which will never see the light of day lie trapped in my mind. Some fear, some worry, some anxiety, some ideas, some whims and some nameless thoughts. Without a doubt I am one of those people who loves to spill her guts out when something is on her mind to a close friend but how do I talk about things which I can never put into words, how can I tell anyone when no one has ever felt or will ever feel what I do. Sometimes in my attempt to organize my life I try and organize my thoughts but like a pyramid of cards they come crashing down even before I can complete organizing them.

Sometimes I wish I could rattle away to someone what is pent up within me. But then like someone recently stated we all grow up so selfish that caring for anyone beyond ourself is not part of our true self. It takes an extra super human effort to achieve that and just as I am unable to do it no one will ever be able to do that for me. Here's hoping one day I manage to build that pyramid and clean the mess in my mind.

The New House

A lot has been happening in my life of late, some good and ouch.. and some not so good. Yet I am pretty happy and I believe it's cause I have this awesome new house which we moved into two months back. A list of things which makes my house incredible.

1. I have the biggest room ever, infact so big I find it a pain to walk across to my wardrobe put my clothes in. Maybe it is very big or I am too lazy :P. But yes, now I have room to put my sleeping bag when I have guests over and still walk around comfortably.
2. I have a HUGE wardrobe which fits all my clothes, laundry bag and my junk. It's so huge that it tempts me to buy new clothes. Good incentive, since nothing can be more therapeutic than shopping.
3. I have a laundry in the house. That means I don't waste my weekends doing laundry. I can even do my laundry when I am sleeping. Awesome !!!
4. I have a dishwasher. God bless your soul, whoever invented it. Now I don't end my long day cleaning dirty dishes on the sink.
5. Central heating in the house, perfect. Now I don't have to fret in the heat and shiver in the cold and fiddle with ACs and heaters anymore. Good riddance !!
6. My living room has an awesome view of Empire State Building. Not the best, but good enough to make me happy. I am beginning to learn which lights are turned on different days of the week. And yes, I did see the yellow and red lights which was dedicated to China.
7. With so much space in the living/dining room I get a chance to have my meals with my roomies, feels like home.
8. A bigger house, bigger kitchen means more parties !!! And I am loving it.

If only I did believe in Vastu I would say that the Vastu of the house was perfect. But I guess I am just plain lucky. How often do I get a chance to say that :D

Ode to my Mistakes

My Dad once said "it's ok to make mistakes.. you're young.. you will learn and never repeat them again". 28 years old today and I still make mistakes, some new and some not so new but every time I make one I tell myself first mistake is a mistake, second time and same mistake, that's stupidity. So why do I repeat them again ? Even when I know that they will lead nowhere except where they led the last time. Just like bad news never gets better with time, a mistake doesn't cease to be one after repeating it even a zillion times.

So in my sincere attempt to avoid repeating any old mistake I shall make a conscious effort to change my pattern of life. Well not completely, but some aspects of it. Try and make a change for the better. Handle situations differently and open doors to a new set of mistakes cause no matter what the only people who never make mistakes are the ones who never do anything.

A Summer to Cherish

A month after I came back from California, I realise that I need to pen down my experience of the 3 months stay there. Without a doubt it was the best summer I have had in a long long time and the best period of my stay in US. I spent 3 months building games, just like I had always always wanted to. I spent weekdays in office and weekends exploring San Francisco. It was just perfect. All I want now is to get done with my studies, go back to the west coast and get the dream job I always wanted. I am hoping in 2 years time I will be there. Here's to a promise I am making to myself after all the only promise you stick to are the ones you make to yourself.

The Last Promise

So I promised to erase the last memories I have, promised the person who walked out of my life without a single regret. Maybe I am being harsh, maybe he was not so happy about the state of affairs, maybe he was sorry too, but he did leave me. He broke all those promises he made. So do I owe him anything? I was always honest with him, never lied never reneged on any promise I made until now. Unfortunately enough when he made me promise he remembered that I have always lived up to all my promises, he simply forgot that he had no right to make me promise anything.

I broke my last promise. I am not proud of it but I couldn't do what he asked me. And strangely enough I have no regrets. He worries that I shall use them to hurt him someday. To me they are just good memories of time long past. I shall erase them when I think the time is right. Whatever I am, I am not evil and I will never do him any harm. Sadly enough, he never believed that. Today I am free to make my own decisions about how I live and die, so why not be free to decide what I shall keep and what I won't. The day I feel that these memories are just burdens of my past I shall get rid of them. Until then I shall retain them like the memories I have .

Birthday

I just celebrated my birthday and am a year older now. And then I wonder when did I really grow, at the turn of the hour at midnight or every moment of the past year ? The year which like many others taught me some new lessons and some which I chose to ignore. The year which reinstated my faith in the fact that I am strong enough to survive anything but still weak somewhere. I learnt that I can live without anyone and everyone but still learnt to love every person in my life even more. The year which taught me happiness is fleeting but I shall still run after it. I learnt so much yet know so little. I don't want to undo my past, I haved grown older but I still want all I lost. A chance to get it all back. Maybe a year from now I will have found everything I ever wanted or maybe I shall just be blogging about all that I learnt and didn't learn again.

From CD with Love ....

I always wanted to read these lines to the dearest person in my life ... I just never got the chance. Today it's too late, and probably meaningless too. But I needed to get it out of my system.

Grow old along with me,

The best is yet to be

The last of life,

for which the first was made.

Are stupid people happier ?

Sometimes it is hard to be so intelligent, hard to be smart enough to make the right decisions. I just made the most difficult decision of my life. My heart wanted to say yes but my mind said no, ultimately I went with my mind but I am heartbroken. I know in the long run I shall probbaly be happier but getting through the bad times won't be easy. I sometimes wonder if it would have been better if I had been a little stupid, stupid enough so that I could not think about the future. Stupid enough to just live for the moment and grab any happiness coming my way with both hands. After all who knows what tomorrow holds. For all I know I might be a victim of a hit and run accident on my way to office. Then there would be no me, and no long term.

So are stupid people happier or all happy people stupid ? If happiness is a state of mind does it say that happiness is a form of stupidity. I don't know, but I wonder, I wonder how it would have been if I had been a little stupid. Maybe just maybe I would have held on to my happiness.

Yarrow

The treasured dreams of times long past,

We'll keep them, winsome Marrow!

For when we're there, although 'tis fair

'Twill be another Yarrow!

- William Wordsworth

Today these lines mean a whole lot more, a whole lot more meaningful and relevant.

A Wonderful Thought

‘‘... and you, Marcus, you have given me many things; now I shall give you this good advice. Be many people. Give up the game of being always Marcus Cocoza. You have worried too much about Marcus Cocoza, so that you have been really his slave and prisoner. You have not done anything without first considering how it would affect Marcus Cocoza’s happiness and prestige. You were always much afraid that Marcus might do a stupid thing, or be bored. What would it really have mattered? All over the world people are doing stupid things ... I should like you to be easy, your little heart to be light again. You must from now, be more than one, many people, as many as you can think of ...’’

– Karen Blixen
(‘‘The Dreamers’’ from ‘‘Seven Gothic Tales’’
written under the pseudonym Isak Dinesen,
Random House, Inc.
Copyright, Isac Dinesen, 1934 renewed 1961)

Solitude

I am completing two years of my stay here and sometimes I wonder if I am happy with the state of affairs, and the pleasant response is I am. My life is different from how I wanted it to be but surprisingly I am happy. And when I think about it I realise it's my freedom and my solitude which makes me happy. I am free to do as I please, I don't worry any more about my actions, if they are hurting people or if I am losing anyone in the process. I have plenty of friends here but no one close enough. Sometimes distance and solitude makes a lot of difference. I no longer cling to any friend, I have no one here I would like to cling to. And for the first time in many years I have begun to enjoy my own company. It's a good life and I don't see myself giving it up for anything else in a long long time.

What's In A Name ?

I always thought that people give too much importance to names until today.  My roommate told me of an old Chinese tradition where rich Chinese people were bestowed with short last names. The shorter the surname the richer they were. Till today Chinese know that anyone with a short lastname hails from a rich and aristocratic family. So anytime a my roommates Chinese friends on hear my surname they think I am from a very wealthy family. That brought a smile to my face. This is a thought I will relish for a long long time. 

Susan Boyle

I recently watched Susan Boyle sing on "Britain's Got Talent" and I think I must have watched that video 20 times in 2 days. In addition to the fact that she has a phenomenal voice which can keep anyone glued to that video I believe that there is something about that entire episode which has an universal appeal.

The success of the underdog, bringing bullies down to their knees, realisation of a childhood dream a fairy tale ending. I believe that's what I loved that video. It would be hard to find a person who didn't have a dream which they had to give up since they thought they could never make it come true. Dreams abandoned because people didn't have faith in us and eventually we lost faith in ourselves.

Susan Boyle's story is a positive one, a story which reinstates our faith in ourself, in miracles and in life itself.

  

Pre Independence India

This is for all my friends who still think that the British served India during their 200 years long stay. Seeing is believing (No, this guy was not getting a pedicure).

Return

After a long break from blogging I checked my blog page yesterdy and was welcomed with a pleasant comment which made my day. So I have a few readers of my blog... I guess I am not too bad at writing then.  The last 3 months were hectic of course but not more hectic than usual, I guess I was just plain lazy and was not blogging but now I will try and blog again regularly. 

Strangely, I didn't read or hear anything which could trigger a train of thoughts. Usually it's something like that which helps me write or some memory. That reminds me, after a very long time I managed to track down a poem which I had been looking for, for the past 4 years. It was a poem by Alfred Tennyson and the lines which kept ringing in my ears for so long were

"In looking on the happy Autumn-fields,

And thinking of the days that are no more."

The poem is "Tears, Idle Tears". It feels good to finally get rid of that nagging feeling at the back of my mind but the lines will forever haunt me.

The Gift

I recently gave myself a gift and I am proud of it. Some time of my life to myself to be spent the way I wanted to. I knew I was living in a fools paradise and it would not last forever, but then whose happiness lasts forever ? The only difference is I knew the timeline for my happiness, others don't. Sometimes maybe a little happiness is better than none at all.