Thursday, 27 December 2007

Ode to the Past !!

It was a cold dark night after Christmas as I hurried home from the theatre. The street was dimly lit and the cold wind whistled in the alleys. Not many people were out that night, everyone was at home spending time with their family.
As I walked past a beautifully lit house I spotted an old friend inside. She was almost lost in the crowd of people who were partying. Many a summer ago we had been inseparable friends. We had both begun our career as makeup assistants in a small theatre in a long forgotten city. My boss, a tall burly fellow with a loud voice and a charming smile had introduced me to her on my first day at work. Since then we had laughed, cried and shared so many emotions with each other. But then life pulled us apart. She built her own world and from sharing everything with each other here we were today, sharing nothing. She was happy in her new world and I was standing alone in the cold dark street, a mere spectator to her happiness.
I turned away, angry and miserable. I had no interest in this gaiety and no time to waste. I had to get home before it was too late. I needed my medicines on time. With the pharmacies closed for the holiday I could not get any help if I had one more attack. Just as I was about to walk away I felt a small congestion in my chest. I was about to have another attack. As fear gripped me I lost my balance and fell down on the sidewalk. My backpack lay next to me and it's contents spilled out.
As I looked around frantically I saw a face at the window of the house I had been staring at, it was her, she had finally seen me. I would be safe now. But no, she didn't appear to recognize me. There was just a look of pity in her eyes. No sign of recognition. This was not true. It must be a dream. I shut my eyes and tried to close my arms around myself. Just then my hand touched a small bottle, it was my medicine and lo behold I still had a single tablet. With a lot of care I swallowed the tablet and lay still for a little while. The pain subsided and I felt stronger. After another five minutes I managed to to sit up and pack my bag carefully. As I looked up she was still standing there looking at me but looking at me as a stranger looks upon another stranger. As I slowly stood up I saw her draw the curtains of the window and walk away. She had seen a stranger on the road recover from an attack. With a thousand thoughts in my mind I walked away, never looking back and never wanting to look back again.

Saturday, 15 December 2007

Starting Over !!!!!!

Of late I have been wondering what people feel like when they get divorced. I don't mean what celebrities like Britney Spears feel on getting divorced. I mean people who take marriage seriously. People who take relationships serioulsy. What do they feel like when a relationship falls apart, a relationship in which they have have invested years of their life. How hard would it be to admit it that it will no longer work, no matter how hard you try. How do they convince themself that no matter how nice their "spouse" was they were just not meant to be togther.
Lately I heard of a lady whose marriage fell apart after 27 years of marriage. All her friends could say was "he was no-good". Well, after 27 years does it make sense to say that ? What about how she held the family together for 27 years ? Didn't that count ? Well maybe it didn't and that's why they got divorced eventually.
One thing which never ceases to amaze me is how they gather the courage to pick the pieces of their life together and move on. How do you get used to living a life where you don't see the same face every morning, hearing the same voice everyday seeing the same smile. How do you get used to not talking to the same person everyday, sharing your life with them as you always did ?
And does it ever feel like that it was a waste of some of the most precious years of your life ? How do they convince themselves that letting go is the only option, the only solution. Doesn't the idea of building life from scratch frighten them ? And yet they take this decision. It's sad and depressing but do they eventually find what they were hoping from, peace of mind. I am not sure. But I sure hope they do, because starting over requires an immense amount of courage and determination.

Wednesday, 12 December 2007

Seeing Green !!

A wise man once said "Make money, money by fair means if you can, if not, but any means money" and so right was he. Whoever said that money cannot buy happiness didn't even know what would make him happy.
At times I wonder how different my life would have been if I had been rich. Better, certainly, but how much better. Well the first thing I would have done would be to put my career on track. Instead of taking the long road home I would have just got there. My years of hardwork would have been cut by half if not more. So where is the all the money ?? In the bank account of the rich and in funds being distributed to the destitutes of the world. Unfortunately I fall in neither category. In fact I do not fall in any category which would enable me to get scholarship or any form of financial aid.
I have just done a quick survey of available loans and scholarships and discovered how unique I am. I am neither a US citizen, nor a green card holder, have no US co-signor, am not a black or Hispanic, do not live in DC area, am not a scientist doing work which will make the world a better place, do not belong to a minority group, do not fall below the minimum income level, do not belong to a poorly represented community in US, do not have immovable property, basically, I am stuck without money.
No matter how hard I wish I can never find the money to live my dreams. After all I know at the end of the day "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride".

Apologies !!!!!!

When was the last time you apologised to anyone ..... ??? When was the last time you apologised to somebody even though you knew you were not wrong .... ??? I did recently and I am feeling like shit because of that. Whoever said apologizing clears the air. I hate to think I had to eat humble pie when I was NOT wrong.
So what made me do it ?? Not love for the person, not respect but simply fear that my career would be jeopardized if I didn't. After all I have come this far fighting a lot of odds and I would hate to end it all one fine day because of somebody's whim. I hope I reach a level when I will be so firmly placed in my life that no one and nothing can uproot my career. Till that day I will just have to plaster a smile on my face and keep my ego on a leash.