Me

In an attempt to be my true self I forgot that I was human. 

Our Song

I heard the song again today and it brought back so many pleasant memories from a long time ago. For a while it brought you back into my life, like you had never left. We were friends again for a short while and nothing had changed. Life had not intervened, priorities had not changed and we were just as important to each other. It was magical, well maybe not magical but comforting, like going back to your childhood home, a place where you know everything, how every crack on the wall has a story behind it, how every book is lined on the shelves like you had left them, how the morning sunlight creeps into the room at the same angle every morning and how you position yourself in bed every day to avoid the light. Yes, it was home and I was back with you. It was a good feeling and then the music ended and it was back to reality. I miss you my friend.

The Dead Relationship

Ever had the feeling that a wonderful relationship ran it's full course and has reached the end ? I feel like that about two such relationships in my life. One I managed to bury and move on, it was the most practical and reasonable thing to and I feel proud that I was strong enough to end it when I did. The second one, I could never end. It just went into a limbo and now I am dragging it on. I wish I could end it for once and all. I now know that it was not meant to be but I tried harder and fought harder to make it last. Now all that feels like wasted effort. Strangely enough I can see the familiar traits again. I can see myself getting into a similar relationship which will probably end just as badly. If only I could end it before it becomes just another corpse for me to lug.

Happiness

The key to a happy existence is to turn off your cellphone when depressed or drunk. Sometimes being connected only helps spread the misery further. Unfortunately in this digital existence we hope for some Messiah to make an appearance through the phone which will never happen.

The Antithesis

My mind was fuzzy, confused and messed up. I had just raised the bar on happiness, satisfaction and being at peace with myself. Sometimes you feel like you have reached a place in your life where you are comfortable and know what you can and cannot get and would never yearn for anything beyond your means. However this was not how things were supposed to be. I had tasted power and wanted more of it now, I could never settle for anything less than that or so I thought at the moment. Maybe after a few days, a few months I would be able to get over it. I will realize that not everything lasts forever. But then this was not how it was supposed to be, not how I had planned it out. I thought I would be able to walk in and out experience something magical and move on knowing it wasn't going to last. I didn't anticipate this greed and longing for more. I hope in a few days the pain of loss becomes less until it ceases to exist until I finally get rid of it completely.

The Ugly Side

The Hyde in me wakes up every once in a while and more than anybody else it surprises me. This is not me or so I would like to believe. I want to keep him on a short leash, never allowing any space for reckless acts but it doesn't happen that ways. One day I shall succeed I hope, one day I shall kill the Hyde in me forever.

Russian Roulette

I love standing on a train track when I can hear the speeding train getting closer. I step off the track only when the lights of the train shine straight into my eyes blinding me. And even then I stand close enough to be almost blown away by the strong gust of wind which hits me on my face. I can smell the steel and the iron of the train. I can smell that funny smell you get from old machinery which has been oiled over and over again to keep running. I can smell the diesel and the smoke and I can smell my own death. Yet, I return there every time to stretch my luck. Maybe one day I won't be able to step back in time. Maybe one day I shall have something different to relate, or maybe nothing to relate.

Insane Love

Maya was wondering when was the last time she felt like this. It was insane and she knew it, everyone she knew was settling into relationships which were stable, predictable and had a good future. Her friends were all dating or married to men with stable jobs and a predictable life. Past the teenage years it only made sense to look for something real and here she was, in love with a hobo. He was not like anyone she had ever met or read about. He had this amazing free spirit which she found magnetic, a desire to keep flying which only made him more appealing to her. Her senses told her he was all wrong and obsessing about him was plain stupid, but when the hell did the heart listen to the mind. They always functioned as two completely separate entities who can never reach a consensus on anything. Her best friend was moving into her new apartment with her two kids, her brother had recently moved into the suburbs with his family even her twin had moved to Paris to be with her boyfriend who she had been dating for seven year and here she was, going nuts about a guy who lived in a trailer park and would never commit to her. Maya knew she could never tie him down and she loved that about him just as much as she loved everything else about him. Strangely Maya even thought it would be the coolest thing to do move in with him in his RV. Life would be a crazy adventure with him and she wanted that, but at the back of her mind she was wondering if she would be able to sustain it. It would be like a crazy trip to Vegas but Vegas trips don't last forever and she was wondering how long this would.

In her Mind

Maya was cold and shivering. Not so much from the cold as from fear. It was the eve of Christmas and she was all alone in her apartment pondering about her life. It had been a long time since she felt in control of her life and career. Her work was making her edgy, the years seem to be rolling by and age was catching up with her real fast. Nothing felt right anymore. She had no one around who she could trust wholly and no one who would have faith in her. It was a strange place to be in. For someone who never doubted her own ability it was a new and bad feeling. In all the years she had been alone she always believed that she could do anything and her determination and hard work would pay off. Now she was having second thoughts, maybe just maybe she was not cut out for this. However giving up was not an option for her. She saw no alternative path and sometimes that made her suicidal but she knew even that would be same as giving up.

Lately she was seeing so many people around her take the easy way out. For some of them it was working out well and for some not so much and somehow the cynic in her told her that if she tried it she would be in the latter group. This was not the life she wanted anyways. It was hard to imagine that someone who at the age of 15 knew that the only thing important and worth doing was becoming successful wasn't even close to success after so many years. People younger than her had gone on to do mind boggling things which had changed the world forever. She was still grappling with the basics in life. Was it possible that she was not meant to do anything amazing at all ?

My attempt to post my first story

After gathering a lot of courage I finally posted a short story I wrote a few months back on my blog and within a few minutes I deleted it. My story like any other writer's, is inspired by my own life, the characters are based on people I have met and interacted with. The story was entirely fiction, so were the characters but somewhere I did draw inspiration from people I knew. After reading the story which I posted I wondered if I was jeopardizing my relationship with my friends and realized it's probably not worth it. I am no Ayn Rand, my stories will not change the world nor inspire generations to come. My stories are like short conversations you have with old friends when you meet them for coffee after a long time. It leaves you with a warm fuzzy feeling later but somehow you never really recall the exact content of the conversation. All you remember was that it was an evening well spent.