Thursday, 5 June 2014

The Choice

At the very center of the whole upheaval was a choice I made. It changed my life radically and I would never regret it. But it was one of those things which takes a while to get used to. You wiggle and turn until you find your comfortable spot. It was one of those changes. I knew it was right, I knew I would be happy, happier than I had ever been but it would be a while before it sank in.I am growing older but as I do I realize some of my life goals will never change, some will readjust but I will never change my alignment completely. 

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

Memories

It was 3:00 am in the morning and Maya was awake staring at the ceiling. She was happy after what seemed like a really long time, really and truly happy. Saul was lying next to her fast asleep and as she looked at him she realized it was fleeting. She was aware the next morning it would be all different. Life and all it's realities would catch up with them. Everything she felt at this moment would become meaningless and trivial. Saul would wake up and his consciousness would interfere with her memories and tarnish them forever. In her memories he would remain the adoring, sensitive, kind and affectionate man she had met forever. Lying on the bed she thought Saul would always be perfect, should always be perfect, atleast in her mind. But she was no idiot, she knew no matter how much she tried it would be a different day tomorrow, maybe better, maybe worse but definitely different. 

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

One Day

And one day the pain does cease. It hurts less and less or you become immune to the pain or both. You never realize which it is and at that point it doesn't matter. Everything and everyone you loved and cared are in a different world where you don't fit quite right anymore. When you try and reach out they welcome you with open arms but try as hard as you want you cant find your place with them. There is always this thin veil between you and the life you left behind which is impossible to tear down. It is the veil formed by the experiences you had once your lives drifted apart. Only time can undo it and time is usually not kind in that respect.

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Perspective

I cry for a life I never had.
I cry to be the person I wanted to be,
I cry for the person in my life who never was.

and while I indulge in self pity, a wave sweeps away her life.

I want all my tears back so I can shed them on him.
I want my tears back so I can dedicate them to someone deserving.
 

The Magical Evening

For a long time I held on to the memory of that day, it was mine and mine alone and I refused to share it with anyone. However, with the passage of time I realized that the memory of the wonderful evening I had spent with you was slowly beginning to fade. Slowly, but surely it was becoming a part of the past. I did not care for anybody else but I didn't want you to fade away, I didn't want our evening spent together, no matter how trivial to be a part of the past. I remember it like it was yesterday, was it actually 2 years back ? I wouldn't know. I spent weeks talking about this evening with my closest friends, everyone who  mattered knew I was meeting you. As I walked out of home I was overcome by a feeling of fear, I was scared you would not adore me as much as I adored you. I wanted to back out but I had made a promise and I couldn't renege on one. I walked on and as I waited for you in the cold January evening for the first time I realized how much you meant to me. As I waited for you on a deserted street that Sunday evening a thousand feelings rushed through my mind. I was scared that the night would close on me, I was cared of something but I remember nothing of it. I only remember you walking down the street grinning and smiling and that wiped away all my fears. I was happy, like I had never been before. My first conversation with you began like one between old friends. Like we had never left off,  like we knew each other since the beginning of time. Was it really our first conversation ? Who am I kidding, we were friends for years, this wasn't our first conversation, it was just the most powerful one. As I walked out of the cafĂ© that night after having spent hours with you I knew I had lost myself forever. Someday, maybe someday, I will find my lost self in a cold dark street in New York again. Till then I shall hold on to you and the memories of the days gone by.

The Last Love

I love you. I love you with all my heart and soul. Even though today I am not in touch with you and our lives have drifted apart you are there with me every day of my life. In strange ways you have been part of my life and will always be. When I wake up in the morning,  I see your smiling face, every small thing in life which evokes a sense of happiness brings me back to you. Music, travel, food, movies, libation, everything leads back to you, metaphorically. Whenever life lets me down I remember  our conversations, whenever I feel lost I remember your kind thoughtful words. I don't need a reason to think of you, you are there on my mind every waking hour of my life and even in my dreams. I will be yours forever. I will always remember the cold winter evening I waited for you on a deserted New York sidewalk. I was scared and nervous but the moment I set my eyes on you I knew it was worth it. You were worth the wait and so much more. I was happy that evening though for a long time I didn't realize how much, and even though I never managed to put my thoughts into words or look you straight in the eye I was happy. I wish I had spoken more that evening, I wish I had spoken more every day since and every day since I was first acquainted with you. I don't know how it ended but I only wish to turn back the wheels of time, I want you back in my life. Maybe we shall never be what we were to each other, time has taken that away like it always does but maybe, just maybe we can be friends. I will accept you as my friend, for even though I know love is wonderful I also know that friendship is priceless.

Saturday, 22 September 2012

End of Summer

It was a beautiful summer. It is how summers are in movies and books. It had all the charms and magic which make people look forward to a respite from the cold and bitter winter. I, strangely had never looked forward to summers. To me it meant heat and sweat and everything icky. However, this summer was different. For the first time in many many years it was different from anything I expected or had ever experienced. Do I regret anything today, maybe I do but then I have learned that regrets like everything else doesn't last forever, uh well.. maybe not, some do last forever but this wasn't one of those summers. So summer is finally coming to an end but I am sure fall will be better...much better. Here's to everything won and lost, to new beginnings and to beautiful ends.

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Me

In an attempt to be my true self I forgot that I was human. 

Monday, 27 February 2012

Our Song

I heard the song again today and it brought back so many pleasant memories from a long time ago. For a while it brought you back into my life, like you had never left. We were friends again for a short while and nothing had changed. Life had not intervened, priorities had not changed and we were just as important to each other. It was magical, well maybe not magical but comforting, like going back to your childhood home, a place where you know everything, how every crack on the wall has a story behind it, how every book is lined on the shelves like you had left them, how the morning sunlight creeps into the room at the same angle every morning and how you position yourself in bed every day to avoid the light. Yes, it was home and I was back with you. It was a good feeling and then the music ended and it was back to reality. I miss you my friend.

Wednesday, 2 February 2011

The Dead Relationship

Ever had the feeling that a wonderful relationship ran it's full course and has reached the end ? I feel like that about two such relationships in my life. One I managed to bury and move on, it was the most practical and reasonable thing to and I feel proud that I was strong enough to end it when I did. The second one, I could never end. It just went into a limbo and now I am dragging it on. I wish I could end it for once and all. I now know that it was not meant to be but I tried harder and fought harder to make it last. Now all that feels like wasted effort. Strangely enough I can see the familiar traits again. I can see myself getting into a similar relationship which will probably end just as badly. If only I could end it before it becomes just another corpse for me to lug.