Heal Paris

I want to wake up tomorrow morning and learn that the massacre in Paris didn't happen. I want to hear that residents of Paris are not hurt, in pain or grieving. I want Paris to be the city of my dreams once again, the Paris of art and culture, the Louvre and the Eiffel Tower.

I want the world to be a slightly better place, a place where fear, hatred, religion and discrimination doesn't exist. A place where people can still trust the person sitting next to them irrespective of their background. I want to heal Paris, I want the pain to quell away,  I want to wake up to a better day.

Too Much Love

Maya was confused.  Was it even possible to love someone too much ? She had been with Saul for a handful of years but this was the happiest she had ever been. Life was good and everything felt right and perfect. Everything was good for her.

She never understood the personal storms he went through, he was only at the beginning of his adult life. He had different demons to fight, demons she knew nothing about, demons she would never learn anything about. She wished him well, she wished she could undo all his pain but in her heart of hearts she knew she couldn't change a thing. She had been down that road just like everyone his age. Of course, she knew and she understood, but she couldn't heal him. It was his battle, his trial by ordeal. All she could do was hold her breath and hope no matter what choice he made she still emerged a winner. 

The Choice

At the very center of the whole upheaval was a choice I made. It changed my life radically and I would never regret it. But it was one of those things which takes a while to get used to. You wiggle and turn until you find your comfortable spot. It was one of those changes. I knew it was right, I knew I would be happy, happier than I had ever been but it would be a while before it sank in.I am growing older but as I do I realize some of my life goals will never change, some will readjust but I will never change my alignment completely. 

Memories

It was 3:00 am in the morning and Maya was awake staring at the ceiling. She was happy after what seemed like a really long time, really and truly happy. Saul was lying next to her fast asleep and as she looked at him she realized it was fleeting. She was aware the next morning it would be all different. Life and all it's realities would catch up with them. Everything she felt at this moment would become meaningless and trivial. Saul would wake up and his consciousness would interfere with her memories and tarnish them forever. In her memories he would remain the adoring, sensitive, kind and affectionate man she had met forever. Lying on the bed she thought Saul would always be perfect, should always be perfect, atleast in her mind. But she was no idiot, she knew no matter how much she tried it would be a different day tomorrow, maybe better, maybe worse but definitely different. 

One Day

And one day the pain does cease. It hurts less and less or you become immune to the pain or both. You never realize which it is and at that point it doesn't matter. Everything and everyone you loved and cared are in a different world where you don't fit quite right anymore. When you try and reach out they welcome you with open arms but try as hard as you want you cant find your place with them. There is always this thin veil between you and the life you left behind which is impossible to tear down. It is the veil formed by the experiences you had once your lives drifted apart. Only time can undo it and time is usually not kind in that respect.

Perspective

I cry for a life I never had.
I cry to be the person I wanted to be,
I cry for the person in my life who never was.

and while I indulge in self pity, a wave sweeps away her life.

I want all my tears back so I can shed them on him.
I want my tears back so I can dedicate them to someone deserving.
 

The Magical Evening

For a long time I held on to the memory of that day, it was mine and mine alone and I refused to share it with anyone. However, with the passage of time I realized that the memory of the wonderful evening I had spent with you was slowly beginning to fade. Slowly, but surely it was becoming a part of the past. I did not care for anybody else but I didn't want you to fade away, I didn't want our evening spent together, no matter how trivial to be a part of the past. I remember it like it was yesterday, was it actually 2 years back ? I wouldn't know. I spent weeks talking about this evening with my closest friends, everyone who  mattered knew I was meeting you. As I walked out of home I was overcome by a feeling of fear, I was scared you would not adore me as much as I adored you. I wanted to back out but I had made a promise and I couldn't renege on one. I walked on and as I waited for you in the cold January evening for the first time I realized how much you meant to me. As I waited for you on a deserted street that Sunday evening a thousand feelings rushed through my mind. I was scared that the night would close on me, I was cared of something but I remember nothing of it. I only remember you walking down the street grinning and smiling and that wiped away all my fears. I was happy, like I had never been before. My first conversation with you began like one between old friends. Like we had never left off,  like we knew each other since the beginning of time. Was it really our first conversation ? Who am I kidding, we were friends for years, this wasn't our first conversation, it was just the most powerful one. As I walked out of the café that night after having spent hours with you I knew I had lost myself forever. Someday, maybe someday, I will find my lost self in a cold dark street in New York again. Till then I shall hold on to you and the memories of the days gone by.

The Last Love

I love you. I love you with all my heart and soul. Even though today I am not in touch with you and our lives have drifted apart you are there with me every day of my life. In strange ways you have been part of my life and will always be. When I wake up in the morning,  I see your smiling face, every small thing in life which evokes a sense of happiness brings me back to you. Music, travel, food, movies, libation, everything leads back to you, metaphorically. Whenever life lets me down I remember  our conversations, whenever I feel lost I remember your kind thoughtful words. I don't need a reason to think of you, you are there on my mind every waking hour of my life and even in my dreams. I will be yours forever. I will always remember the cold winter evening I waited for you on a deserted New York sidewalk. I was scared and nervous but the moment I set my eyes on you I knew it was worth it. You were worth the wait and so much more. I was happy that evening though for a long time I didn't realize how much, and even though I never managed to put my thoughts into words or look you straight in the eye I was happy. I wish I had spoken more that evening, I wish I had spoken more every day since and every day since I was first acquainted with you. I don't know how it ended but I only wish to turn back the wheels of time, I want you back in my life. Maybe we shall never be what we were to each other, time has taken that away like it always does but maybe, just maybe we can be friends. I will accept you as my friend, for even though I know love is wonderful I also know that friendship is priceless.

End of Summer

It was a beautiful summer. It is how summers are in movies and books. It had all the charms and magic which make people look forward to a respite from the cold and bitter winter. I, strangely had never looked forward to summers. To me it meant heat and sweat and everything icky. However, this summer was different. For the first time in many many years it was different from anything I expected or had ever experienced. Do I regret anything today, maybe I do but then I have learned that regrets like everything else doesn't last forever, uh well.. maybe not, some do last forever but this wasn't one of those summers. So summer is finally coming to an end but I am sure fall will be better...much better. Here's to everything won and lost, to new beginnings and to beautiful ends.

Me

In an attempt to be my true self I forgot that I was human. 

Our Song

I heard the song again today and it brought back so many pleasant memories from a long time ago. For a while it brought you back into my life, like you had never left. We were friends again for a short while and nothing had changed. Life had not intervened, priorities had not changed and we were just as important to each other. It was magical, well maybe not magical but comforting, like going back to your childhood home, a place where you know everything, how every crack on the wall has a story behind it, how every book is lined on the shelves like you had left them, how the morning sunlight creeps into the room at the same angle every morning and how you position yourself in bed every day to avoid the light. Yes, it was home and I was back with you. It was a good feeling and then the music ended and it was back to reality. I miss you my friend.

The Dead Relationship

Ever had the feeling that a wonderful relationship ran it's full course and has reached the end ? I feel like that about two such relationships in my life. One I managed to bury and move on, it was the most practical and reasonable thing to and I feel proud that I was strong enough to end it when I did. The second one, I could never end. It just went into a limbo and now I am dragging it on. I wish I could end it for once and all. I now know that it was not meant to be but I tried harder and fought harder to make it last. Now all that feels like wasted effort. Strangely enough I can see the familiar traits again. I can see myself getting into a similar relationship which will probably end just as badly. If only I could end it before it becomes just another corpse for me to lug.

Happiness

The key to a happy existence is to turn off your cellphone when depressed or drunk. Sometimes being connected only helps spread the misery further. Unfortunately in this digital existence we hope for some Messiah to make an appearance through the phone which will never happen.

The Antithesis

My mind was fuzzy, confused and messed up. I had just raised the bar on happiness, satisfaction and being at peace with myself. Sometimes you feel like you have reached a place in your life where you are comfortable and know what you can and cannot get and would never yearn for anything beyond your means. However this was not how things were supposed to be. I had tasted power and wanted more of it now, I could never settle for anything less than that or so I thought at the moment. Maybe after a few days, a few months I would be able to get over it. I will realize that not everything lasts forever. But then this was not how it was supposed to be, not how I had planned it out. I thought I would be able to walk in and out experience something magical and move on knowing it wasn't going to last. I didn't anticipate this greed and longing for more. I hope in a few days the pain of loss becomes less until it ceases to exist until I finally get rid of it completely.

The Ugly Side

The Hyde in me wakes up every once in a while and more than anybody else it surprises me. This is not me or so I would like to believe. I want to keep him on a short leash, never allowing any space for reckless acts but it doesn't happen that ways. One day I shall succeed I hope, one day I shall kill the Hyde in me forever.

Russian Roulette

I love standing on a train track when I can hear the speeding train getting closer. I step off the track only when the lights of the train shine straight into my eyes blinding me. And even then I stand close enough to be almost blown away by the strong gust of wind which hits me on my face. I can smell the steel and the iron of the train. I can smell that funny smell you get from old machinery which has been oiled over and over again to keep running. I can smell the diesel and the smoke and I can smell my own death. Yet, I return there every time to stretch my luck. Maybe one day I won't be able to step back in time. Maybe one day I shall have something different to relate, or maybe nothing to relate.

Insane Love

Maya was wondering when was the last time she felt like this. It was insane and she knew it, everyone she knew was settling into relationships which were stable, predictable and had a good future. Her friends were all dating or married to men with stable jobs and a predictable life. Past the teenage years it only made sense to look for something real and here she was, in love with a hobo. He was not like anyone she had ever met or read about. He had this amazing free spirit which she found magnetic, a desire to keep flying which only made him more appealing to her. Her senses told her he was all wrong and obsessing about him was plain stupid, but when the hell did the heart listen to the mind. They always functioned as two completely separate entities who can never reach a consensus on anything. Her best friend was moving into her new apartment with her two kids, her brother had recently moved into the suburbs with his family even her twin had moved to Paris to be with her boyfriend who she had been dating for seven year and here she was, going nuts about a guy who lived in a trailer park and would never commit to her. Maya knew she could never tie him down and she loved that about him just as much as she loved everything else about him. Strangely Maya even thought it would be the coolest thing to do move in with him in his RV. Life would be a crazy adventure with him and she wanted that, but at the back of her mind she was wondering if she would be able to sustain it. It would be like a crazy trip to Vegas but Vegas trips don't last forever and she was wondering how long this would.

In her Mind

Maya was cold and shivering. Not so much from the cold as from fear. It was the eve of Christmas and she was all alone in her apartment pondering about her life. It had been a long time since she felt in control of her life and career. Her work was making her edgy, the years seem to be rolling by and age was catching up with her real fast. Nothing felt right anymore. She had no one around who she could trust wholly and no one who would have faith in her. It was a strange place to be in. For someone who never doubted her own ability it was a new and bad feeling. In all the years she had been alone she always believed that she could do anything and her determination and hard work would pay off. Now she was having second thoughts, maybe just maybe she was not cut out for this. However giving up was not an option for her. She saw no alternative path and sometimes that made her suicidal but she knew even that would be same as giving up.

Lately she was seeing so many people around her take the easy way out. For some of them it was working out well and for some not so much and somehow the cynic in her told her that if she tried it she would be in the latter group. This was not the life she wanted anyways. It was hard to imagine that someone who at the age of 15 knew that the only thing important and worth doing was becoming successful wasn't even close to success after so many years. People younger than her had gone on to do mind boggling things which had changed the world forever. She was still grappling with the basics in life. Was it possible that she was not meant to do anything amazing at all ?

My attempt to post my first story

After gathering a lot of courage I finally posted a short story I wrote a few months back on my blog and within a few minutes I deleted it. My story like any other writer's, is inspired by my own life, the characters are based on people I have met and interacted with. The story was entirely fiction, so were the characters but somewhere I did draw inspiration from people I knew. After reading the story which I posted I wondered if I was jeopardizing my relationship with my friends and realized it's probably not worth it. I am no Ayn Rand, my stories will not change the world nor inspire generations to come. My stories are like short conversations you have with old friends when you meet them for coffee after a long time. It leaves you with a warm fuzzy feeling later but somehow you never really recall the exact content of the conversation. All you remember was that it was an evening well spent.

Older, Wiser, Smarter !

As we grow older life teaches us a lot and we keep evolving as a person. A talk with a friend made me realize that as time flies by I am becoming more patient more tolerant and definitely less rigorous. Now that sounds like I am overloaded with a bunch of virtues which I believe cannot be the case. I have my flaws and am probably developing more but I am finally comfortable in my own skin. I am growing to accept myself exactly as I am without trying to be someone I idolize or admire. It's been a long journey here and hopefully in a few years time I shall look back and not think I was juvenile at this point as I do when I look back five years. But then again, the future is unpredictable and that is a wonderful incentive to keep living.