The Inheritance of Loss-Review

I just finished reading the Man Booker Prize winning "The Inheritance of Loss" and the first thing that struck me when I closed the book was "what was she thinking when she wrote the book". I mean in her attempt to touch many subjects all I can say is she did justice to none. There is a smattering of so many subjects yet none feel accurate. It's almost as if the author was relating something she had heard from another person. There was a lack of connection. The details of the Himalayan city, the Gurkha uprising, the son's stay in New York, the death of the judge's wife, daughter and son-in-law all had a certain sense of vagueness. Almost as if a part of the story was concealed by the author or almost as if she herself was unaware of so many facts. It was an idea which went wrong. Like a beautiful drawing which became ugly after adding colours.

So who won ????

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is arguing with yourself. No matter who wins or who loses there will be a little bit of me in both. So what is the argument about ? I am trying hard to convince myself that my mind is right and my heart is wrong. My heart was waiting for the sun to rise from the west and my mind knows it will never happen. Well so what if it is against the laws of nature, my belief and undying faith could make it happen, so my heart thought. My mind knew better and eventually I let my mind win this argument. In the long run I know it will be best for me, one day I will look back and laugh at myself for being so silly and feel proud that I took a right decision. But right now it hurts and it hurts real bad. After all my heart is as much mine as my mind. Right now I want to crawl into a corner and scream at life for being so unfair. I only hope like all other lessons I learnt from life this too leaves me a little stronger.

Fera

The title of this blog is inspired by a book I read long back. “Fera” or “The Return” is one of the lesser known novels of one of the most controversial contemporary writer, Taslima Nasreen. It was by fluke that I came across this book and read it. I read it in its original version and fell in love with it immediately. It deals with the issue of belonging. And probably that is why I fell in love with it. It talks about a lady's journey back to her hometown after 40 years, now a foreign country, in search of the “home” she lost. She of course returns disappointed. It was at this point that I always felt I could relate to her. Her eternal desire to go home was something which struck a cord with me.

And today after 5 years I went in search of the home that I left behind, the place of my birth, the place where I grew up the place I will always call home, the only place I will ever call home, Shillong. After all clichéd though it might sound I believe that “home is where the heart is”. So after a lot of thinking and rethinking I decided that this was one journey I had to undertake. I feared I would be disappointed just like the lady in the book but I would never know for sure until I went there. So with a camera, a book some goodies and a sweater packed in my rucksack I took the taxi to Shillong from Guwahati. It was a bad bumpy ride without any company. I spent some time of the 3 long hours reading my book and some time gazing at the spectacular view outside. In spite of all the discomfort I was happy I had decided to go. I had heard so much from friends about how Shillong had changed in the past few years, how commercialized it had become, how big city like it felt, now I would finally see it for myself.

Shillong did look a little different when I first set eyes on it. Yes, a little smaller, a little newer, there were new shops and new people on the roads. I tried hard but saw no familiar faces; the few I did see looked a little older, a little withdrawn and were completely unable to recognize me. The roads looked a little barren, devoid of trees; my favourite pines didn’t adorn as many roads as it did earlier. They had been cut to make way for traffic I believe. The concrete jungle was also encroaching into Shillong. The quaint, endearing Assam style houses were becoming fewer and fewer. They were probably too expensive or maybe just not stylish enough these days.

So did I find the Shillong that I was looking for? Yes, I did. Unlike the lady in the book I found my home. I did not find the house that we grew up in the house where my Dad grew up, that has probably changed beyond recognition, remodeled by the new owner. Honestly I did not have the courage to go there, that would have been too much for me to handle, I am sure. Shillong did look very different with new faces and all but it felt the same. I might sound corny but it still has this warmth which you feel when you reach home. After all home, maybe is more than a house you live in, it’s a sense of belonging, a sense of being one with the place where you are standing and being able to blend in and feel like there is no place you need to reach at the end of the day. I felt like that when I stood in Shillong, breathing in the sweet smelling air without a care in the world. I knew then I would return here time and again, no matter how many trees were uprooted, how many new faces swarmed the streets, how many buildings cropped up on the roads. Shillong is, was, and will always be my home.

Frozen in Virtual Reality.

Years back, after some bitter experiences with people in the real world I retreated into the virtual world. In search of anonymity, with the desire to remain unknown. Someone no one could recognize or recall. After living in that world for a long time now I realise that maybe experiences, good or bad will seek me out no matter where I am. It's I, and I alone who can control what I get from life. I should be able to control my life and more importantly my mind.
I build castles in the air and start living in them. It's when the castle crashes that I am all hurt. It's sometimes difficult to live two lives. One in thin air and one with feet firmly on the ground. I know the truth is as far as I can touch. That is the real world and the world which belongs to me. Anything which I cannot see face to face, anything which I cannot touch is just a part of this virtual world, which as of now is just an extension of my dreams and fantasies. Today I almost feel like I have been swallowed by this virtual world. My existence itself has become virtual. And along with it my happiness, joy, pain and all feelings have become virtual. Very soon I will be unable to differentiate between the two. And maybe very soon others will also be unable to differentiate between the real me and the virtual me.

Missing .......

Have you ever missed something you thought you never would? Something you always wanted to get rid of and yet when you finally did it didn't feel good at all. I have had the feeling of late. It's like carrying your leg in cast for months, waiting to get rid of it every waking hour of the day. And yet when you did it was like losing a support. It's like listening to the next door kids every morning and wishing they would just evaporate and one fine day when it is all quiet you wonder if everything is all right. I hope things change . No, well not the cast again. But I hope the kids come out to play again.

Old Tale !!!!

I suddenly remembered a story I had read in "Amar Chitra Katha" as a kid. Decided I should share it with everyone.

"There was once a very selfish, selfcentred and miserly king in a far of land. One day while walking on the bank of a river with his ministers he slipped and fell into the river. All the ministers and bodyguards jumped to help him screaming "O Master !! Give us your hand". However the king kept beating frantically in the water but was not taking any help. Just then the wisest of the minister walked to the river bank and said "O Master !! Take my hand". The king immediately grabbed his hand and reached the safety of the shore. The king had after all never learnt to give anything, only take. "
Sometimes old tales make so much sense.

Happy Birthday !!!

It's been years I have lost in touch with my childhood friend but I still remember her birthday. I spent 11 years in school with her and today I have no means of getting in touch with her. It's her birthday today and I wish I could call her, drop her a mail, simply get in touch with her. Wherever you are I wish you a great day and a great year ahead. "Happy Birthday ...... L " (22nd April 2008). I haven't forgotten you or your birthday.

The Democrats have lost it

In a fight for the Oval Office the Democrats have already lost the elections, in my opinion. As of today when the Democrats still don't have a clear contender for the White House, the contest between Clinton and Obama is becoming more bitter each passing day. With a huge amount of mud slinging happening each day, the Clinton and Obama camp in a bid to out do each other are only managing to mar the image of the Democrats. What fails to be noticed by them is that eventually when one will emerge as the winner the other will not be left with the option to gracefully accept the loss and back the new candidate. As in the case of the Republicans after John McCain emerged as a winner the other candidates declared their complete backing for the new Republican candidate. It would only be a sham if either Clinton or Obama declare their support for the other after losing this leg of the elections. The credibility of the Democrats would be under the scanner with such a turn of events. In fact no matter who wins this round John McCain and the Republicans will probably have the last laugh.

Mistakes .....!!

My friend says when I repeat the same mistake over and over again, it's no longer a mistake, it's plain stupidity. What makes it worse is that I know she is right. To argue with someone you have to be convinced yourself that you are right and the other person wrong. However I know she is right and I am wrong. So you might wonder why I do it, I mean make the same mistakes, well maybe that's because that's my comfort zone. I am in familiar territories and I feel at home. Of course it's besides the point that it's stupid. In fact it goes beyond mistake, becomes a crime and eventually a sin.
At times I wonder what's with me. I am pretty adventurous (no nasty connotation please) and like to try out new things whenever given a chance. However when it comes to mistakes and yes, food I choose the tried and tested path. I am so incorrigible.

Life's Like That !!!!!

The past one week of my life was like a roller coaster ride. My confidence hit rock bottom, ego took a beating, I lost this one chance to make my life a little better and I wished for some time that I could just hit a "Reset" button of my life to start from scratch. Then things looked brighter again, I received some valuable advice from a mentor and some encouragement from a Gaming Guru. This was great. To see someone have faith in me, to have more faith in me than I have in myself was amazing. But undoing some past hurt and humiliation will take a while. Till then I will just have to go back into my shell and do what I do best....work and make it all real.