Insane Love

Maya was wondering when was the last time she felt like this. It was insane and she knew it, everyone she knew was settling into relationships which were stable, predictable and had a good future. Her friends were all dating or married to men with stable jobs and a predictable life. Past the teenage years it only made sense to look for something real and here she was, in love with a hobo. He was not like anyone she had ever met or read about. He had this amazing free spirit which she found magnetic, a desire to keep flying which only made him more appealing to her. Her senses told her he was all wrong and obsessing about him was plain stupid, but when the hell did the heart listen to the mind. They always functioned as two completely separate entities who can never reach a consensus on anything. Her best friend was moving into her new apartment with her two kids, her brother had recently moved into the suburbs with his family even her twin had moved to Paris to be with her boyfriend who she had been dating for seven year and here she was, going nuts about a guy who lived in a trailer park and would never commit to her. Maya knew she could never tie him down and she loved that about him just as much as she loved everything else about him. Strangely Maya even thought it would be the coolest thing to do move in with him in his RV. Life would be a crazy adventure with him and she wanted that, but at the back of her mind she was wondering if she would be able to sustain it. It would be like a crazy trip to Vegas but Vegas trips don't last forever and she was wondering how long this would.

In her Mind

Maya was cold and shivering. Not so much from the cold as from fear. It was the eve of Christmas and she was all alone in her apartment pondering about her life. It had been a long time since she felt in control of her life and career. Her work was making her edgy, the years seem to be rolling by and age was catching up with her real fast. Nothing felt right anymore. She had no one around who she could trust wholly and no one who would have faith in her. It was a strange place to be in. For someone who never doubted her own ability it was a new and bad feeling. In all the years she had been alone she always believed that she could do anything and her determination and hard work would pay off. Now she was having second thoughts, maybe just maybe she was not cut out for this. However giving up was not an option for her. She saw no alternative path and sometimes that made her suicidal but she knew even that would be same as giving up.

Lately she was seeing so many people around her take the easy way out. For some of them it was working out well and for some not so much and somehow the cynic in her told her that if she tried it she would be in the latter group. This was not the life she wanted anyways. It was hard to imagine that someone who at the age of 15 knew that the only thing important and worth doing was becoming successful wasn't even close to success after so many years. People younger than her had gone on to do mind boggling things which had changed the world forever. She was still grappling with the basics in life. Was it possible that she was not meant to do anything amazing at all ?

My attempt to post my first story

After gathering a lot of courage I finally posted a short story I wrote a few months back on my blog and within a few minutes I deleted it. My story like any other writer's, is inspired by my own life, the characters are based on people I have met and interacted with. The story was entirely fiction, so were the characters but somewhere I did draw inspiration from people I knew. After reading the story which I posted I wondered if I was jeopardizing my relationship with my friends and realized it's probably not worth it. I am no Ayn Rand, my stories will not change the world nor inspire generations to come. My stories are like short conversations you have with old friends when you meet them for coffee after a long time. It leaves you with a warm fuzzy feeling later but somehow you never really recall the exact content of the conversation. All you remember was that it was an evening well spent.

Older, Wiser, Smarter !

As we grow older life teaches us a lot and we keep evolving as a person. A talk with a friend made me realize that as time flies by I am becoming more patient more tolerant and definitely less rigorous. Now that sounds like I am overloaded with a bunch of virtues which I believe cannot be the case. I have my flaws and am probably developing more but I am finally comfortable in my own skin. I am growing to accept myself exactly as I am without trying to be someone I idolize or admire. It's been a long journey here and hopefully in a few years time I shall look back and not think I was juvenile at this point as I do when I look back five years. But then again, the future is unpredictable and that is a wonderful incentive to keep living.

Airports

I love traveling and flying has always been the highpoint of my trips because I love airports. I don't know how it happens when most people dread going to airport I actually look forward to it. Unless I have a early morning flight I always reach the airport 4 to 5 hours before my flight and just enjoy the time I have at hand. I love the hustle bustle, the rush, the pace, the energy in the place. In a strange way it's inspiring. I even love the over priced food in the airport lounge. Most people say that the option for food is limited in airports. I just call it different and not limited, I mean who the hell eats a 7 course meal everyday. Or maybe it's simply because I am not picky about my food. Whatever be the reason I love the whole experience. Sometimes I wish I had a job which would involve a lot of traveling, but then again such jobs generally involve a lot of interaction with people which I don't think I could pull off. Now with Thanksgiving over I don't see myself traveling anywhere anytime soon. I don't need a break or a vacation but I would love to go to the airport. Maybe, just maybe I will get a chance to go pick someone from the airport. That is not so bad either.

Damaged

As time passes by we meet more people, have more experiences and hopefully become a better person. But what happens when people become damaged goods. The experiences somehow make them more pathetic, they think they want to move on but they only cling to the past more. Every memory from their past comes back to haunt them and the only thing they want from their future is a chance to recreate their past. How do I deal with these damaged goods ?

The ever evolving story

I have a mind which never rests, it's always thinking, evaluating, contemplating or sometimes simply brooding. I think of things which happen to me, which never happened to me and even ones which will never happen. When I string them altogether I see a story forming and each day I tell myself that I need to put that story on paper. But sometimes I don't see the end of my story, sometimes I feel too possessive to share it and sometimes I am just plain lazy to type it out. Now I want to write it, maybe share just a little of what lies within my mind with the world. I have a plan in my mind and I hope I go through with it. If nothing at all I am hoping to post a small story on my blog to begin with. Ok, so here it is, my promise in black and white. i don't think I will back out now.

What's on my Mind- Food

I am a late sleeper and most nights when I stay awake late I crave for a bunch of stuff but I never really end up eating any of it because my the next morning I completely forget about it. So just to keep a record of everything on my mind I decided to list everything on my mind here. These are a bunch of food items on my mind for the past few weeks

1. Chicken Wings
2. Pasta with alfredo sauce
3. Crispy bacon
4. A fat cheesy burger with fries
5. Kadi with rice (Punjabi style)
6. Bhapa ilish (Bengali style)
7. Prawn curry (My mom's style)
8. Home made paneer curry (My Mom's style)
9. Suji halwa (My style !!.. the one thing I make fairly well)
10. Idli with Sambhar

Every night I think when I wake up I shall make/get my hands on one of them. I never manage to, I end up eating a pepperoni sausage pizza(which I have to admit, I love) until night falls again. This weekend I intend to finish at least 2 items on my list.

I wonder

So I am a voracious reader. I read whatever I can get my hands on and mostly end up finishing it. Lately I have begun to notice how many people write about that one moment which changed their life for ever. The one moment when they realised who they are, the one moment which changed their career for ever, the one moment they realised what they wanted from their life and so many more of "that one moment". It made me wonder why I never encountered any of these life changing moments. For me every change or growth happened over a period of time, slowly and unknowingly. I have never been able to say that a certain key moment changed my life forever. I never attained nirvana under the Bodhi tree, so does it really happen to people ?

Another End

For days I wondered what went wrong, where I went wrong, what I did wrong. Now I finally get it, we just grew out of that friendship. At that time it made sense to both of us and we worked on it, spent time together, shared all our crazy experiences and dreams. But like everything else it slowly faded , he moved on with his life, things changed at his end, he made new friends and finally he just drifted away.

The only catch was I took longer to move on. But I did eventually. Now after so many days when I run into him our polite formal conversation makes me laugh. It's absurd to ask someone how was your day when there was a time we discussed every cup of coffee we drank during the day, every person we ran into, every article we read on the internet. No matter how many friends I lose to time I never get used to it, each time it hurts, maybe just a tad less than the last time but it does.