Crash !!

Just like I imagined, my brief rendezvous with happiness ended very abruptly. It was like riding a Toyota Prius without the brakes functioning. How else could it end but in a crash. To make matters worse the air bag was not functioning either. Not Toyota's fault maybe, I probably disabled it. Now as I stand on the kerb waiting for help with a bleeding head, number of broken bones and an ache which I can't even pinpoint I wonder if the ride was worth it. I have been somebody who has always believed in taking chances but now I have to draw a line between reckless fun and stupidity. After all riding a car without brakes cannot be fun, it is a sure recipe for disaster. Only a miracle can save me from a crash and the supposedly rational human being I am should know better than to hope that any miracle will happen. Miracles don't happen with me, ever. The road to recovery will be long and painful but hopefully this time around I will learn my lesson. I can't fight destiny and I can't control the universe.

Dose of Happiness

Clichéd though, its probably true that our happiness is in our mind. I am still the same person I was a few weeks back or a few months back but something just clicked recently and I feel happy. It's not something that anybody else contributed to, it was just a switch in my mind which turned on. It feels good and it makes me happy, more like ecstatic. Something which probably happens once in a blue moon.

I shall bask in this happiness for a few days or maybe a week or so and then slowly let go. It only makes sense, after all the only direction you can go when you are at the peak is downhill and that I am not ready for. I keep telling myself that when you hit rock bottom you can only bounce up so I guess that logic holds when I am at the top. But I have to admit it's a good feeling. Right now I need to focus on what I know will make my happiness last a little longer and that is definitely not something which will happen without my contribution nor is it just in my mind. I shall let this dose of happiness inspire me before it finally fades away.

Catskill National Park

A spring break in the Catskill is exactly the kind of get away I keep looking for. Though I didn't hike for very long I have to say it was a great feeling. Going back to my comfort zone is always nice. Unlike my expectation the hills were still covered with snow and the hike was more like trudging though the snow but the greenery the fresh air and the proximity with nature was completely worth it. Sometimes you miss something good in your life never being able to put a finger on what you are missing. This trip helped me realize that I miss nature, hikes and crazy walks in the woods. I need to get back to nature as frequently as possible. It rejuvenates me makes me happy and is like going back home. The tall pines the green mountains and the winding roads draw me closer to my home, the home I have left behind.

Six Months

My dear niece, Anoushka is 6 months old. Just like I missed my sister's wedding I missed her six month celebration too. I wish I was there. Truly !!

A Clearer Picture

Looks like all my trouble and problems are merely in my mind. I had a talk with a friend today whose wonderful attitude put me to shame. His problems are so much bigger and so much more daunting and inspite of that he stated it all so matter of factly. Next time I dream of cribbing about how imperfect my life is I should kick myself. I just hope I don't forget this promise within a few days.

Thinking Aloud.. Again

Ironical ... how you can live 20 years in US and become an American but you live 130 years in a city in India and you are still an outsider.

Dreams

I dream every night, literally. For as long as I can remember I have dreamed every day (more aptly every night) of my life. Some of my earliest memories are of my Dad waking me up in the morning and asking me to relate my dream to him. I did that for many years till I became lazy and woke up late for school and would have to rush out of the house to catch the school bus allowing no time for idle chit chat in the mornings.

Years passed, I didn't share my dreams with any one but I dreamed every night. Somehow I liked it, they were always happy dreams. Something which made me smile me when I woke up. I did have some bad dreams but they were not too many and I forgot them soon. However for the past one year I have been having bad dreams daily. Somehow I no longer look forward to dreaming. I know they mean nothing but I haven't been able to sleep peacefully. I wake up every day shaking and in sweat. All I want is a night of dreamless sleep from which I can wake up feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.

Thinking Aloud

Another month and the pit at the bottom of my stomach still lurks. A fear that I might fail, a fear that I may lose, no matter what I do I cannot seem to get rid of it. I promised myself a few things last month and I managed to stick to most of them. However my left and right brain are still fighting. I am still looking back at things which I know I cannot undo and which I would rather not undo.

Am I a masochist ? Does inflicting pain on myself make me feel better ? In a way I think it does, well not really make me feel better but I guess I think forgetting stuff is insensitive and if I am remembering them I am probably making some amends ... ummm.. in some twisted way.

Real

If I have never met you and never will you are as real to me as a Leprechaun.

Study Group

I had my first study group meeting today, ironical, since this is the last class I shall ever attend in my life and I have a study group for the first time. I didn't really want to go but decided not to be the spoilt sport. After an hour our study group was at the bowling alley... yes!!! ....I like this study group :). Life is full of surprises ... and I think I like it.