Thinking Aloud

Another month and the pit at the bottom of my stomach still lurks. A fear that I might fail, a fear that I may lose, no matter what I do I cannot seem to get rid of it. I promised myself a few things last month and I managed to stick to most of them. However my left and right brain are still fighting. I am still looking back at things which I know I cannot undo and which I would rather not undo.

Am I a masochist ? Does inflicting pain on myself make me feel better ? In a way I think it does, well not really make me feel better but I guess I think forgetting stuff is insensitive and if I am remembering them I am probably making some amends ... ummm.. in some twisted way.

Real

If I have never met you and never will you are as real to me as a Leprechaun.

Study Group

I had my first study group meeting today, ironical, since this is the last class I shall ever attend in my life and I have a study group for the first time. I didn't really want to go but decided not to be the spoilt sport. After an hour our study group was at the bowling alley... yes!!! ....I like this study group :). Life is full of surprises ... and I think I like it.

Snowed In .. !!

Three years back I had never seen snow and yet I loved it. I associated it with happiness, holidays and fairy tales. Everything from Narnia to grumpy old Scrooge was associated with snow and the magic was undeniable. The idea of building a snow man, having snow ball fights and riding sleds was all part of a beautiful parallel world where I was absent. Unfortunately now the snow is here but the magic is absent. I have not built a single snow man ever, never even got into now ball fights or rode sleds. My fascination with snow has been replaced by more practical questions like how will I get to school in the snow, do I have enough supplies to last me a few days if I can't go buy grocery, will I have to clean the snow from the sidewalk when I wake up in the morning.
Yet, somewhere I have to admit that I cant help but smile when I see the first snow of the season. Nothing is as beautiful as waking up one morning and seeing the world around you all white and pristine. Maybe the magic still lingers, somewhere.

Anoushka

Being the cynic that I am I thought I would never fall in love again. But when I held my niece for the first time in my arms at the airport I knew I had fallen in love again, hopelessly and unconditionally. Just the way I liked it. She is the most adorable thing in the world and there was no way I or anybody else could not love her. It felt good, the beginning of something nice and beautiful for the rest of my life. I only hope I don't miss out on much of her life. Here's hoping that a day will come soon when I shall be able to live closer to her and see her grow up.

Observations

A few things I am growing to appreciate

• Life is not a fairy tale. Witches and fairies can no longer be distinguished from each other.
• You don't get what you deserve from life, you get what you get.
• Magic ended with "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows". Do not look for it in real life.
• Some dreams can never be realized. The question is choosing the right dream to follow.
• True love exists only in books and SRK movies.. :)
• Inspite of it all a good laugh can still make your day.

The Magic is Missing

The magic is missing and I have to deal with the hard facts now. And the hard fact is real life is not showered with magic and reality is less beautiful. No magic ever happens and people reconcile with what they get.

A Good Laugh

Two and half hours of laughter at Radio City Music Hall, NYC. Can life get any better ?? :) Russel Peters is so much better in real life. Even the few old jokes cracked me up.

Musing

I was reading an article about a study which is looking for aliens among earthlings and the research is being done at some of the most prestigious colleges in the world. Made we wonder how many years it would take for someone to earn a PhD in such a "out-of-the-world" topic. After all my PhD with a very realistic topic is not making much headway. I mean do they have to wait till the martians take over earth to graduate. Boy !! thats a real long wait. I think I am better off :).

Lesson

Many years ago I had an argument with my Dad. I thought he was being very pessimistic and cynical, he thought I was being childish and naive. We finally agreed to disagree and we were both sure one day we would prove each other wrong. Today after what feels like a lifetime I have to very grudgingly admit that my Dad was right and I was wrong. It took me many years and many rought times to know that I was not right. Now I wonder if I would have lived life differently if I had believed in my Dad then. Maybe it was better I didn't. Certain knowledge comes with maturity, bitter experiences and an imperfect life. At the age of fifteen I think it's impossible to fathom that life will treat you any other way but with the highest regard. My total disregard of my Dad's opinion was a reflection of my innocence and optimism. A teenager who imagines that life is a bed of roses and the world is at their feet. Good times.