Heal Paris

I want to wake up tomorrow morning and learn that the massacre in Paris didn't happen. I want to hear that residents of Paris are not hurt, in pain or grieving. I want Paris to be the city of my dreams once again, the Paris of art and culture, the Louvre and the Eiffel Tower.

I want the world to be a slightly better place, a place where fear, hatred, religion and discrimination doesn't exist. A place where people can still trust the person sitting next to them irrespective of their background. I want to heal Paris, I want the pain to quell away,  I want to wake up to a better day.

Too Much Love

Maya was confused.  Was it even possible to love someone too much ? She had been with Saul for a handful of years but this was the happiest she had ever been. Life was good and everything felt right and perfect. Everything was good for her.

She never understood the personal storms he went through, he was only at the beginning of his adult life. He had different demons to fight, demons she knew nothing about, demons she would never learn anything about. She wished him well, she wished she could undo all his pain but in her heart of hearts she knew she couldn't change a thing. She had been down that road just like everyone his age. Of course, she knew and she understood, but she couldn't heal him. It was his battle, his trial by ordeal. All she could do was hold her breath and hope no matter what choice he made she still emerged a winner. 

The Choice

At the very center of the whole upheaval was a choice I made. It changed my life radically and I would never regret it. But it was one of those things which takes a while to get used to. You wiggle and turn until you find your comfortable spot. It was one of those changes. I knew it was right, I knew I would be happy, happier than I had ever been but it would be a while before it sank in.I am growing older but as I do I realize some of my life goals will never change, some will readjust but I will never change my alignment completely. 

Memories

It was 3:00 am in the morning and Maya was awake staring at the ceiling. She was happy after what seemed like a really long time, really and truly happy. Saul was lying next to her fast asleep and as she looked at him she realized it was fleeting. She was aware the next morning it would be all different. Life and all it's realities would catch up with them. Everything she felt at this moment would become meaningless and trivial. Saul would wake up and his consciousness would interfere with her memories and tarnish them forever. In her memories he would remain the adoring, sensitive, kind and affectionate man she had met forever. Lying on the bed she thought Saul would always be perfect, should always be perfect, atleast in her mind. But she was no idiot, she knew no matter how much she tried it would be a different day tomorrow, maybe better, maybe worse but definitely different. 

One Day

And one day the pain does cease. It hurts less and less or you become immune to the pain or both. You never realize which it is and at that point it doesn't matter. Everything and everyone you loved and cared are in a different world where you don't fit quite right anymore. When you try and reach out they welcome you with open arms but try as hard as you want you cant find your place with them. There is always this thin veil between you and the life you left behind which is impossible to tear down. It is the veil formed by the experiences you had once your lives drifted apart. Only time can undo it and time is usually not kind in that respect.

Perspective

I cry for a life I never had.
I cry to be the person I wanted to be,
I cry for the person in my life who never was.

and while I indulge in self pity, a wave sweeps away her life.

I want all my tears back so I can shed them on him.
I want my tears back so I can dedicate them to someone deserving.
 

The Magical Evening

For a long time I held on to the memory of that day, it was mine and mine alone and I refused to share it with anyone. However, with the passage of time I realized that the memory of the wonderful evening I had spent with you was slowly beginning to fade. Slowly, but surely it was becoming a part of the past. I did not care for anybody else but I didn't want you to fade away, I didn't want our evening spent together, no matter how trivial to be a part of the past. I remember it like it was yesterday, was it actually 2 years back ? I wouldn't know. I spent weeks talking about this evening with my closest friends, everyone who  mattered knew I was meeting you. As I walked out of home I was overcome by a feeling of fear, I was scared you would not adore me as much as I adored you. I wanted to back out but I had made a promise and I couldn't renege on one. I walked on and as I waited for you in the cold January evening for the first time I realized how much you meant to me. As I waited for you on a deserted street that Sunday evening a thousand feelings rushed through my mind. I was scared that the night would close on me, I was cared of something but I remember nothing of it. I only remember you walking down the street grinning and smiling and that wiped away all my fears. I was happy, like I had never been before. My first conversation with you began like one between old friends. Like we had never left off,  like we knew each other since the beginning of time. Was it really our first conversation ? Who am I kidding, we were friends for years, this wasn't our first conversation, it was just the most powerful one. As I walked out of the café that night after having spent hours with you I knew I had lost myself forever. Someday, maybe someday, I will find my lost self in a cold dark street in New York again. Till then I shall hold on to you and the memories of the days gone by.

The Last Love

I love you. I love you with all my heart and soul. Even though today I am not in touch with you and our lives have drifted apart you are there with me every day of my life. In strange ways you have been part of my life and will always be. When I wake up in the morning,  I see your smiling face, every small thing in life which evokes a sense of happiness brings me back to you. Music, travel, food, movies, libation, everything leads back to you, metaphorically. Whenever life lets me down I remember  our conversations, whenever I feel lost I remember your kind thoughtful words. I don't need a reason to think of you, you are there on my mind every waking hour of my life and even in my dreams. I will be yours forever. I will always remember the cold winter evening I waited for you on a deserted New York sidewalk. I was scared and nervous but the moment I set my eyes on you I knew it was worth it. You were worth the wait and so much more. I was happy that evening though for a long time I didn't realize how much, and even though I never managed to put my thoughts into words or look you straight in the eye I was happy. I wish I had spoken more that evening, I wish I had spoken more every day since and every day since I was first acquainted with you. I don't know how it ended but I only wish to turn back the wheels of time, I want you back in my life. Maybe we shall never be what we were to each other, time has taken that away like it always does but maybe, just maybe we can be friends. I will accept you as my friend, for even though I know love is wonderful I also know that friendship is priceless.

End of Summer

It was a beautiful summer. It is how summers are in movies and books. It had all the charms and magic which make people look forward to a respite from the cold and bitter winter. I, strangely had never looked forward to summers. To me it meant heat and sweat and everything icky. However, this summer was different. For the first time in many many years it was different from anything I expected or had ever experienced. Do I regret anything today, maybe I do but then I have learned that regrets like everything else doesn't last forever, uh well.. maybe not, some do last forever but this wasn't one of those summers. So summer is finally coming to an end but I am sure fall will be better...much better. Here's to everything won and lost, to new beginnings and to beautiful ends.

Me

In an attempt to be my true self I forgot that I was human.